22 Aug

Jessica is hurting.  She was, as she says, hurting even before the Valentines in August bratfest she had with Ramon.  Jess claims that she woke up one day after deciding to give Ramon monetary help and thought that she just doesn’t want to get hurt anymore.  Jess decided she wanted to avoid Ramon.  She wanted to tell him during their Valentines in August that she thinks it’s not working out between them. Jess was unable to do so because their time together in the bar turned into what we call the bratfest. Jess further says that she was very nervous before she saw Ramon during the night when they had their bratfest.


Jess admitted that she was still hoping that Ramon will like her genuinely, money-aside.  Jess confessed that she was motivated to dress up, lose weight and do other things that she believes will make her more attractive—–in Ramon’s eyes and maybe to men in general.  Jess told me that she was able to give all the gifts and money she gave Ramon because she nursed the hope that he likes her genuinely for who she is as a girl and not as a guest.

Jess further admitted that she knows the truth and that she has known it for quite a while actually.  Jess knows that Ramon sees her only as a guest.


Jess was not satisfied with the opinion Ella and I had that Ramon does not really like her.  She asked another new friend via email about his views.  Jess told me that our new friend mostly had the same views Ella and I did.

I even went on to ask young Luigi if he thinks anything is going on between Jess and Ramon.  Luigi told me he believes Ramon only sees Jess as a guest.  I told Jess so to further point out that even a fellow MD of Ramon thinks that Ramon is not interested in Jess as a girl.


Jess is well aware that Ramon’s live-in girlfriend Janet gave birth recently.  Jess saw the baby’s photo as well.  Further, Jess saw that Janet was doing well and almost back to her pre-pregnancy fighting form.  Jess admitted that she had secretly hoped that Janet will be fat and frumpy after giving birth.  Jess said that she has felt fat and frumpy most of her life and was actually happy the way she was until this whole thing with Ramon rocked her world.

Ramon and Janet’s relationship is on the rocks.  Ramon has been having trouble at work as well. Jess is most concerned.  As a matter of fact, she has another (inexpensive, she claims) gift for Ramon with her that she intends to give him.


Jess confessed that she feels like a faucet lately.  A leaky one, actually.  Jess has been crying a lot lately: to Danny, to her mother and by herself.  Jess almost burst into tears in the office when she first saw the photo of Ramon and Janet’s child among other things.  This is a rather tough time for Jess.


Jess still cares for Ramon. Her heart still yearns for him. At the same time, Jess admits that she knows what she is to Ramon: an ATM machine.  Jess knows that Ramon does not fancy her as a girlfriend or as a date.  More so, Ramon has a child with a lovely woman whom he’s still involved with.  Ella and I agree that for all his faults, Ramon loves Janet.

Jess has been trying to entertain herself the past few weeks by going out almost every night.  She’s been eating out, putting on a smile and trying to make everyone around her believe she’s having fun.  Is she really? Jess may be able to fool the world but she can’t fool herself.

Jess asked me what she should do to be able to move on.  I told her to go on with her normal routines and perform her responsibilities.  I advised her to surround herself with cheery, happy stuff.  Avoid sad songs, sad movies and other things that make her bawl.  Surrounding herself with positivity and optimism while living her day-to-day life should help tide her over.


Jess said she wanted to see me the other night. We were both not free that night though.  When we do get together, I told her we could have a cryfest in my room.  My mother is adept at tuning out wailing people anyway.  Better yet, I suggested we could lock ourselves in a MUSIC21 soundproof room. Ella could croon to a sad song or an appropriate background music while the waterworks flow.


The quest for love is an unscratchable itch.  Every human being yearns to be loved.  Jess fell for Ramon and entertained hopes that Ramon will love her back.  It’s been almost a year since Jess first laid eyes on the sullen, sulky MD Ramon. It’s been almost a year since Jess fell for him instantly.  Jessica’s unscratchable itch is almost a year old.


Jess has had the least fun between herself, me and Ella. Jess has had to worry about her mother monitoring her whereabouts and at the same time it was all about Ramon for her.  As constantly repeated in this blog, Jess was never in the bar to have fun. She was there for Ramon and only Ramon. Sometimes Jess pretended to be interested in having fun or in meeting new people but it was all to mask what she really feels for Ramon.  It’s all Ramon, Ramon, Ramon for Jess.


Jess is struggling internally.  I know she still wants to see Ramon, give him the gift (soon to be gifts?) she has for him and give him some monetary assistance.  Jess also wants to talk to Ramon properly after their testy bratfest last time.  Yet Jess is not sure she will be able to handle seeing Ramon again. What if she falls for him deeper? What if she can’t make it the last time she’ll ever see him? Can she really handle seeing Ramon now and then to give him some assistance but without pining for him? So many what-ifs.

Jess has to do some thinking.  She has to weigh things.  What does she want? And what can and can’t she handle? What is important to her? I can be there for Jess when she needs me but I can’t be there during the middle of the night when a heartache refuses to let her fall asleep.  Jess has to find her inner strength (think Kung Fu Panda) and make some decisions.

I’ll keep you posted.


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